Why You Should Skip the Games in Dating and Embrace Authentic Connection

Recently, I watched a new show on Netflix. It was in the top ten and I figured there must have been a reason. During the first episode, the main female character was subtly trying to get the attention of the main male character. He, on the other hand, had his head stuck in the sand, wallowing in the depth of his own awful life, making his own problems center stage. It was clear their connection had gone back a long time, and I knew they both wanted to be together, on some level, at least. However, as the show played out, both partners played stupid games. She began dating someone else, yet watching him from across the bar when they both were in public together.

Pretty soon, he decided to tell her how he felt, and beg for a chance to be together. A while later, they hooked up, and it seemed that they would finally end up together. But, alas, they went back to their lives, and she continued dating the other guy. The show ended with both partners, after a short stint of being together, cutting off contact in some middle-school level game of “let’s pretend we don’t care so that the show has more drama and people will come back for season two”. While there was a time when shows like this were exactly what piqued my interest, I ended it wishing I hadn’t wasted time on it.

I understand the mentality. At one point I would have felt that playing games such as these two played, built chemistry, and made the other more alluring. However, now when I witness this, I see something else. I see children playing games, I see trust being broken again and again. I see the pain that comes with the connection being on rocky ground, the lack of commitment, and the fear that is dictating the connection. And, putting myself in that girl’s shoes, I see a little boy. I don’t see an attractive man. I see a boy who was never taught what it is to be a man, to respect a woman, even to respect himself. I see a boy who never learned to have enough self-respect or the guts to tell a woman how he felt, or to step up and be a real, consistent partner, when the opportunity presented itself. Insecure men play games.

I have witnessed far too many men who lost the chance to have a real connection because they played one too many games. I have seen women who were madly in love with a man, not even give a d*** that he was, yet again, hooking up with someone else, because they finally saw their own value. They finally saw that love, no matter how real, can’t win someone over who isn’t ready to man up. And, let me tell you, if she loved you at one point, if she got mad when you played games, if she cared enough to still be hurt when you acted like a child, you better be thankful for that! Because it shows that she loved you, a lot. When women (or anyone) get to the point of no longer caring, you know you have gone too far. You know you have blown it one too many times, gone off the deep end of stupidity, because she now knows you’re not capable of being the partner she always saw you as being. It is a scary thing to reach the point where she no longer believes in you. As a woman, if you have to ask yourself if he is playing mind games or not interested, I think you have a logical answer already.

If this is you, and you have played these games, I dare you to ask yourself why. Assuming there is some part of you, deep down, that actually cares for the other, I dare you to face your fear, before it is too late. The worst thing that you can do is continue to do nothing, continue to play games, and try to get her attention in stupid, off-hand ways. Because let me tell you, one day, she’s going to meet someone who absolutely blows her mind. She’s going to meet someone who is the man you always wanted to be, and when she does, there will be no going back. There will be no chance to convince her that you wanted it to work. Or maybe she already has. Maybe she is asking herself if she should go out with him, telling herself you won’t call, reminding herself it is okay to get a new start in her love life, because she deserves someone who will choose her.

I know I have thus far talked about this subject from the woman’s perspective, and I also know that this one goes both ways. I have talked to multiple men who have told me that they started out by acting the perfect gentleman, and they got played. I get that. I am not saying this is a one-sided issue. Plenty of women out there will take advantage of the man who shows up how he should, like a real man. To these men, I say, just like I do to the woman who has been hurt, ghosted, or taken lightly, its okay to move on. You don’t have to stay stuck in the fact that you got scammed by a woman who didn’t appreciate your masculinity. It is not an excuse to stop being a real man. It just means that you need to move on, to look inside and ask yourself what part of you, on a subconscious level, chose women who wouldn’t appreciate you.

In fact, this goes for anyone, no matter which side of the dating pool you are on. When we have a good heart and we choose someone who isn’t worthy of our time, attention, and devotion, it is for a lesson. If we continually choose these partners, we are repeating the lesson because we haven’t learned it. This pattern is an invitation to ask ourselves why, and to begin the process of loving and choosing ourselves on a deep level. It is the beginning of accepting that part of ourselves that we never could before, that part that begged to be loved, that we didn’t feel was worthy of real love.

If you have a connection with someone who isn’t requiting your love, regardless if this is a soul connection, the parent of your child, your first love in high school, or any other special circumstance, you have to ask yourself if they are someone you can build a life with. Are they ready to be there consistently? Can they use their words to tell you this? Do their actions prove this? Life is too short to play games with people who can’t be sure if they want you in their life. If you were dealing with a friend, you wouldn’t put up with someone who couldn’t show up when they said they would, or didn’t listen to you vent. The friendship would drift apart. Why should the standard be less for someone you have romantic interest in? Life is short, and we have to choose our battles wisely. We have to choose people who want to be in our lives willingly. We owe it to ourselves.

If you have struggled in dating or dealt with any of these scenarios, I invite you to check out my book I Swiped Left Again: The Evolving Woman’s Guide to Dating, Twin Flames, and Healing (which, by the way, is on a huge sale this week!) As always, much love--S