Dating Safety 101—Why You Should Background Check Your Dates Before Spending Time with Them

Okay, story time. Let's talk about safe dating verification. This one came from a client of mine who has been struggling in the romance and dating world. Although she has done a lot of work on herself and elevated her energy to where she doesn’t want to date anyone who isn’t worth her time or effort, she confided that she still feels as though she attracts “losers”. We talked it out, and she realized how much growth she has made in the last couple of years. Her most recent story illustrated this point. She told me that she met someone this last week while she was on a run with her dog. She said that he had asked if she was dating anyone, and then asked for her number. Instead, she gave him her social media account, thinking that she might be able to get his name and background check him. When she checked her Facebook later that day, he had indeed added her, but his profile display only had two initials for his last name. She didn’t think much of it and they began talking. She quickly found that they had a lot in common. They both had rescue dogs, and both had challenges regarding health issues as well.

Later that week, he asked if she would like to get together and go on a run. She said yes and they began planning a first date. In the meantime, she did a little more digging. After checking his Facebook page more thoroughly, she found that his friends had used his real, full name in some of the farther back post. Immediately, she went to her friend, who was able to get full background checks on people through her job. The report came back with bad news. The guy had multiple accounts of assault on his record, as well as some smaller charges. When we talked yesterday, she confided that she felt as though she had been too gullible. I reminded her that doing a background check before going out with him was the important point. Even though she did give him a fair chance to prove that he was a nice guy, checking to make sure his story added up wasn’t a bad thing. It may have saved her from a domestic violence situation down the road.

For any of you who have read my book Becoming Strength, you know that I talk about the highs and low of mental abuse, and how narcissists often have personality disorders that make us doubt our instincts about them, leading to long and drawn-out connections with individuals who take our energy, slowly draining our mental battery, until something tragic ultimately occurs. Background checking people is one way to get an early warning about people who may have these tendencies.

If you have read this and thought, well that’s not really fair to mis-trust someone from the get go, let me re-frame this. Trust is important, but isn’t that a direct violation of trustworthiness to lie about your name and identity? If you want to build an honest connection with someone, all the cards need to be on the table, from day one. We can’t build connections, based on love or otherwise, with dishonesty. For someone with a criminal background, the honest thing to do would be to talk about these charges almost immediately. Yes, it may end the connection, but it also might build trust in the connection, if the charge was given mistakenly or there truly were extenuating circumstances.

Universally, we have reached a point where there is no more time to play games. We must choose our partners wisely, focus on our life goals, protect our energy, and keep our life force clear of obstruction, which includes dishonest people. Following are a few basic safety tips for dating, which may feel like they are distrusting, but in truth, are saying “my safety and wellbeing comes first”.

Background check people immediately. If you don’t like what is on their record, but you truly feel good about the person, ask, but do it in a way that leaves room for lies or the truth. This might look like “do you have a criminal record at all?” after knowing what their record is. If they are honest, you can build on that. Otherwise, it is time to ask yourself if it is worth your time to date someone who can’t be honest.

Utilize Facebook groups. Alright, I am going to let you in on a secret. There are many groups called “are we dating the same guy?” based on your geographic location. I am sure there are similar groups for women. While the issue of cheating may not be relevant in the beginning if you aren’t exclusive, getting other information about someone can be useful. If you say “well their ex will always post a bad review” this may be true, but many people saying the same thing about a person can signal that they have a pattern that shouldn’t be ignored. Personally, with my ex-husband, I have had SEVERAL women message me since divorcing him. They ALL told me that he had physically abused them. If I was a new woman and connected with even one of these women, I would instantly decide not to date the guy.

Trust your gut. I know, this one can be hard but if you have a feeling about someone, even if their record is clean, don’t ignore it. I am not saying to write them off instantly based on a feeling, but stay vigilant.

Ask the Universe (or God) for confirmation. Almost instantly, you will be shown. Remember, digging for information is a safety issue, not a trust issue. Keep your eyes open.

Don’t stop believing in love. I know this can be hard when you get let down a lot. However, we have to be mindful that we don’t doom our future based on our past. Keep an open mind and open eyes, but don’t stop believing in the potential for beautiful connection with the right one at the right time. Remember that all of these experiences truly are happening FOR you, for your growth and learning and to help you elevate as a person.

Stay safe my friends and keep on listening to your heart.

--S