The Story Behind The Story: How I Wrote Becoming Strength

March 1st 2024

I had just graduated with my bachelor's in HDFS. I planned to start my LPC (licensed professional counselor) program in May. My scholarship had been renewed, and I was planning to get my counselor license and have a regular career. I would help people. I would get a master’s degree and have a pretty normal life. I had it all planned out. Inwardly, I was broken in many ways. I was still coming to terms with the fact that my twin soul connection hadn’t gone the way I thought it would. When I had expected to be reunited with the one I loved, it had instead ended in being cut off completely from one another. There was no make-up call or beautiful reunion conversation where he apologized and finally told me how he did recognize our connection. Only silence. I vowed that, from here on out, I would dive into school and work and forget about the pain. But spirit had another plan.

I had a nagging feeling that counseling, a clear-cut path of climbing the ladder of career success through routine steps, a state internship, and following specific rules of engagement to grow my career, wasn’t the path for me. I knew I needed to help people, but somehow, I felt it was to be less conventional. My perfectly planned life path had glitches that I felt on a deep level. However, I swallowed the doubts and continued. I told the universe that if I couldn’t have love, I would become that career woman that everyone feared and respected. That is, until one morning, I woke up to an email from the college. My application had been rejected. I was HEARTBROKEN. The anger set in then. I had worked hard for this. Although I felt on a deep level like it wasn’t where I was to be going with life, I wanted answers. I wanted them right then. I wanted to force my way to the top.

Spirit, on the other hand, knew that I needed to soften my heart. Spirit knew that I needed to face the pain of my twin soul connection instead of burying the wound. It was time for deep healing. This process would take place over the next few months and there was to be no rushing it.

A week later, the next wave of pain would hit. It came in the form of finally being honest with myself about my sons’ medical conditions. While I had known that my son had behavior issues, everyone had told me that they were simply due to a lack of parenting. I had beaten myself up constantly after hearing the repeated judgment from those around me “if that child were mine, I would spank his ass!” and the school calling to make reports about me to the state, simply because none of them had enough education or trauma training to recognize that more was going on, than a simple case of a child misbehaving.

However, this time I was faced with the truth. After getting a brain MRI, which even the DOCTORS tried to talk me out of, I found that my son had some brain damage. This was only the start. However, it validated that his issues were at least in part, medical. I was doing everything I could to help my son and to be a firm parent. My daughter, who I was parenting in the same way, didn’t have those issues. She was well behaved for the most part. Through a painful tower moment, the reality of the illness began to set in. With this knowledge, came the truth that it wasn’t my fault I had been not only lied to, but also discriminated against by many systems and individuals. The news that my son was actually mentally sick, and needed treatment, hurt. I had to come face-to-face with the fact that, if I didn’t advocate for him, he would likely end up in my care forever. He was brilliant , but he DID need extra help.

All of these truths hit me during the same time period. I remember telling my spiritual teacher that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life anymore. I had thought I had a clear direction planned, but suddenly I didn’t know what my life purpose was. I felt lost. I sunk into a deep depression. It got worse as I realized I needed to homeschool my son. I was fighting not only my fears and demons but also to care for my son. I felt useless, like the brightness of the potential life I could have, was gone. Deep in my depression, I didn’t see at the time, that this upheaval needed to take place to redirect me to my true-life purpose.

One day, an idea that had been nagging at me for a long time, surfaced. I mentioned to my spiritual teacher that I wanted to write a book. I wanted to share my story with the world. Instantly, she told me that I should. I began writing and all of it came so easily. I completed the writing in about three months. Everything flowed. Even when I went to take my cover photos, those flowed. In one try, I had the picture that I had seen in my mind, EXACTLY as I wanted them to look. Throughout the next few weeks, I realized something: my life purpose was to reach people like myself. My purpose was to share the message of hope and empowerment. Each of us is capable of choosing ourselves and pulling ourselves out of the depression and sadness. Each of us really does have that ability.

Today, I still don’t know what is coming next for college. I know I want more education. I am waiting on the universe for that. I do know where I am called to work though. I do have a clear vision and this vision is leading the way for me to create a life around it. I do have a vision of what I need to do for my son as well. Sometimes, it seems that the pain really is the best teacher. It didn’t teach me what I had done wrong, but it guided me, through the not-so-gentle tower moments, to find myself. I now have an unshakable vision. I have direction again.

If you, my friend, are facing that uncertainty that comes from not knowing, or from your plans being turned upside down, I challenge you to believe that this is truly shaping your life. Your future is being written as you rest upon the clouds of not knowing. There is beauty in the in-between. There is truly hope in a world that seems uncertain. These pivotal moments are the catalysts to a changed future, a compass that points you where you are meant to be. So, don’t lose hope. Try to ride the waves and know that they are taking you to a distant shore, and although it may be a different one than the one you planned to wash up on, it will be the land you are meant to traverse.