How I Learned to Hope Again; Facing Our Mental Struggles + Reclaiming Our Story

There was a time, not too long ago, when the song “One Day You Will” by Lady A was on repeat. I would turn it up all the way so that my kids couldn’t hear me crying while we were driving, swallowing my sobs so I could pretend I had it all together. They knew I didn’t; people who loved me told me, “It won't always be like this”. They said the hard seasons only last so long. And I guess a small part of me believed them, wanted to hang onto hope, but the biggest part of me had only ever known pain.

Being raised in a dysfunctional family, going through more trauma by the age of 24 than most people deal with in their entire lives, feeling completely, unequivocally alone when I went to those who were supposed to help, and they didn’t have time for me, battling an entire medical system for my son, two different school systems for my kids to get a fair education, all while betting my entire future on a career I wasn’t even sure would ever take off, not to mention the personal battles of the heart that felt painstakingly unfair. I truly thought it would never end.

I got up every day, and I kept going. Sometimes I lay on my bedroom floor and bawled my eyes out, willing the carpet to reach out and hold me, asking God to help me make meaning out of the meaningless. Some days I managed better than others, and when I had more than a day or two without a major trial, I thanked God for the reprieve, but I didn’t dare even hope that the tide could be changing. I was so afraid of being disappointed by having hope that I refused to even hold out hope. I closed my heart off in a way, beginning to believe that I would have to just accept this life because there was nothing I could do. On a physical level, I kept going, but on a mental level, I was utterly defeated.

It wasn’t until I had spent many conversations with my mentor, friend, and teacher, Cynthia Greer, that I realized I actually had the power to change the narrative. No, I couldn’t avoid the pain, but I could do the opposite. I could look the challenges in the face, and get to the very bottom of them. I could face the hardest things, the worst “what ifs”, and ask myself, What can I do to make the best 'what ifs' actually come true? And then, I got to work. I really rolled up my sleeves and put in the ground work for the best possible outcome.

It wasn’t just that. More importantly, it was the mindset shift that began to happen internally. It was the realization that, by assuming the worst, I was actually willing my situation not to change. It was the realization that my thoughts actually had major power over my situation. After not one but multiple very painful sessions with my teacher, and alone with God, I realized something: it was in my power to release the negative thoughts. As I began to do the shadow work of facing the pain head-on, I began to release some of the blocks I had actually built up in my life to protect myself. And as I did, things began to change on an outer level. Success I never dreamed of began knocking on my door. Things began to open up for my kids, things I had never thought possible. After a year of homeschooling, a compatible school miraculously had an opening for both of them. And not only that, but they began to THRIVE once they had settled in. The challenges I had faced weren’t gone, but day by day, they were shrinking.

I didn’t wake up one day to the perfect life, but as I began to see the positives, celebrate them, practice gratitude for them, they became bigger, while the challenges became smaller. Where I had no one, I slowly realized that was no longer true. Having an adoptive dad who loved me in an unconditional way I had never in my life experienced, began to show me the true depth of love and connection that is possible for anyone to experience.

Sometimes I still pushed it away, because old habits die hard. Sometimes I still sabotaged when I should have accepted, but I began to give myself grace for where I had previously failed. I began to see that life is always in flux, that we are capable of steering our own ship, not only in the physical world, but also from the mental. I began to understand that the mental is where the real work happens. The attitude shifts that we consciously create in our psyche are the ones that lead to outward life changes.

This realization has changed the entire trajectory of the life that I live. I have heard it said that if you have a big goal, you have to have a bit of delusion. You have to believe in something bigger than what you can see in the right now, just the way that we limit ourselves by what we cant see right now. If we can change the internal dialogue, if we can shift the internal beliefs about ourselves and our lives, we can shift our outer reality. This isn’t just some thing that positive people say, or only psychics can believe in. It is manifestation, but in the most grounded, realistic way.

While I am not saying we can will away all our problems, I am saying that a mental shift can and will shift your life. If there is anything I can leave you with, its this:

your thoughts absolutely matter.

Your pain isn’t for nothing.

Your life isn’t over.

Trust the process. Change your mind. And most importantly, be delusional sometimes.

Much love

--S